Some background

Imagine if you can a 5 month old baby in the hospital, her dad has lost himself multiple times, almost rejecting signing for the surgery that would save his baby’s life. All the while arrangements are being made for a funeral, her mom didn’t survive the accident, her older sister thankfully has survived with minor scars. Two weeks pass and she can finally go home, but her life has been changed forever and she has no idea.

Can you picture yourself in that scenario? It’s a tragedy for sure, a tragedy I survived thankfully. Oh yea, I was the 5 month old in that scenario. Luckily my dad did sign the forms and I was able to have a shunt placed in my head for a condition called hydrocephalus. My older sister broke her nose, but I thank god every day she survived along with me. Unfortunately my mom wasn’t so lucky, and I still struggle daily with the emptiness that has left.

I was very cared for and loved by my ginormous family (my entire family is from the Dominican Republic) and my dad was mom and dad. I can write for hours about my childhood, but for now I’ll keep things brief. I was super sheltered growing up and my older sister shared the role of mom with my grandma.

My current thoughts

As mothers day gets closer I try and focus on all the positives, but I can’t seem to keep the growing sadness and loneliness at bay. Some years are better than others, and my husband tries as best he can to keep my mind distracted, but it doesn’t always work so well. Even though I’ve had so many “mother figures” growing up it doesn’t replace or fill that void I feel without my mom. Will there ever be a time I don’t feel it? I’m not sure.