How is it possible to sit in a room full of family and feel so alone? I feel like I’ve always been the oddball in my family, I’m unsure if that is because I make myself one or because it just is. Even in a room full of chatter I can’t seem to follow along, or the conversation is around me but not including me.
Is this anxiety? I don’t even know anymore. The day started great, with so much promise. I was fine and looking forward to celebrating with family. I left work and as the minutes went by I started to lose the excitement I was feeling and it was replaced by..well I don’t know what word to use but it wasn’t excitement. Even arriving to the restaraunt and seeing my dad I was happy to see him but not all there. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for my dad being there tonight I would have felt even more alone then I did.
The kicker is what my cousin said as I was saying bye to her. She told me that if I’m leaving early (mind you it was 8 and this started at 6) I must not be a Baez, or even a De La Rosa. To give some context those are my maiden names. For anyone else this comment can be shrugged off, I instead am sitting here typing trying halt the panic attack I feel brewing. For someone struggling with who she is daily and never wanting to disappoint I just can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong.
Am I such an oddball? If I am not a Baez or a De La Rosa then who am I?