PANIC

How is it possible to sit in a room full of family and feel so alone? I feel like I’ve always been the oddball in my family, I’m unsure if that is because I make myself one or because it just is. Even in a room full of chatter I can’t seem to follow along, or the conversation is around me but not including me.

Is this anxiety? I don’t even know anymore. The day started great, with so much promise. I was fine and looking forward to celebrating with family. I left work and as the minutes went by I started to lose the excitement I was feeling and it was replaced by..well I don’t know what word to use but it wasn’t excitement. Even arriving to the restaraunt and seeing my dad I was happy to see him but not all there. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for my dad being there tonight I would have felt even more alone then I did.

The kicker is what my cousin said as I was saying bye to her. She told me that if I’m leaving early (mind you it was 8 and this started at 6) I must not be a Baez, or even a De La Rosa. To give some context those are my maiden names. For anyone else this comment can be shrugged off, I instead am sitting here typing trying halt the panic attack I feel brewing. For someone struggling with who she is daily and never wanting to disappoint I just can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong.

Am I such an oddball? If I am not a Baez or a De La Rosa then who am I?

2 thoughts on “PANIC

  1. cajunbeauty5c says:

    You are a woman who loves with all she has! One of the hardest thing is to love yourself and be you and be ok with that trust me I know! We try to please everyone and give all we have but forget to please and give ourselves
    What we need and want! It’s a daily struggle within our hearts and minds! Work at loving yourself and being YOU! What everyone else may say or think doesn’t matter, what you feel is all that matters! You my girl can and will do this!

    Liked by 1 person

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