I would like to start by saying I am NOT suicidal in the least bit, just in case that thought occured to anyone.
There are times to fight and times for stubborness, and then there are times to give in. I feel like I’ve hit that moment in my mental health journey. I have been so concerned about others and there opinions on what I should be doing with MY diagnosis, that I forgot to focus on what is best for me at this point and time.
After lots of thought, and discussion with my husband, I think it’s time for me to try treating my depression with medication. I know to some this may not be a huge deal, but for me this is admitting defeat. After years and years of therapy and a plethora of natural outlets, I am no better and I am no closer to figuring out the cause of it all. I can’t help but be embarassed and feel like I failed at telling MY OWN BRAIN what to do and how to function. I mean it’s MY freaking brain!
I still feel that way to a degree, but I also know living as I have been is not healthy. I’m becoming less and less functional and relying on “faking” my happiness just to get through the day. That isn’t how I want to live, never having the want or energy to do things that I used to love. Or even doing things that is required of me, like working to make a living, walking my dogs, cleaning the house. I am so tired of being mentally tired.
So I’ve made this decision to try medication so I can get back to being me, even knowing the results won’t be instant and there will be need for adjusments. I want to be more than my diagnosis. I want to be genuinely happy again. I want to live my life without this constant weight on my shoulders.
My hope is medication will be short term until I can build up what I need to continue without it, but I’m open to whatever will happen.