What is happiness? I don’t think anyone really knows. I have spent so long trying to figure out what I need to attain just simple, every day happiness. I have found it in moments and instances throughout my life, but never for long periods of time.

I guess that’s the nature of mental health. I’ve been doing better these past couple of months, loads better really, but still I don’t feel truly happy. I am happier, I am less anxious, I am more grounded, but not where I feel I should be.

It’s such a complicated and complex thing to try and explain. The chaos and jumbledness that is depression and anxiety. How it can sneak up on you even when you have so many checks and balances in place. It makes it so hard to try and discuss what I’m going thorugh and feeling. I mean I can’t even figure it out and explain it to myself!

My brain is muddy, foggy, and just elsewhere. Trying to wade through the mud of emotion and thoughts and feelings is getting tiring. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of this. I mean medication helps symptoms but it isn’t a cure. I’ll always carry this with me, it will always be present.

I’ll just keep striving to have more moments of happiness and hope that is enough for now. Every day is a new battle, a new struggle, a new thought. Every day is also a new start towards something better, maybe.

By Angie Amadon

Wife and fur-mom of 3. Depression and anxiety are with me always, but do not define me.

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