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Thank you!!

I’ve hit 8 followers, yes I’m excited!!! Thank you thank you for supporting and following my blog. I know it’s only been like a week but I’m all ready excited to post every day.

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Honestly

I really really want to just sleep all tomorrow away. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to try and face the day, I just want to eat and sleep. But at the same time I want to go spend time with my grandma, I want to hang out with my dad, and I want to just have my sister back in Florida.

Mother’s day sets my brain into overdrive, if you have no mother what are you celebrating? The day is meant to be celebrated with moms and your family, and also your mother, so is it ok to forego the celebrating with others if you don’t have you mom? I’m confusing myself at this point.

I don’t think because I have been raised by my family I should have to endure smiling and putting my feelings aside to make them happy. Yes I lost my mother when I was 5 months old, and yes I am now 26, but that doesn’t mean because I am older my grief has disappeared. I still struggle daily with the loss and it is not up to anyone else how quickly I grieve.

The purpose of this blog is to express that just because others feel you should have reached a certain place in your life, doesn’t mean you HAVE to reach it. It is ok to go at your own pace and do things in your own time.

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Fridays musings

Today has been ok. I’m so so so happy Friday has come and my day was not another jumble of craziness. My mind is restless, my sleep pattern has been off all week, and I think it’s finally hitting me. I want nothing more than to sleep for days but I won’t.

I will not let my anxiety grab hold and my mind send me further into a tailspin. I’m going to keep trying to be productive and get things done.

My one hope for this weekend is peace of mind and rest.

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Some background

Imagine if you can a 5 month old baby in the hospital, her dad has lost himself multiple times, almost rejecting signing for the surgery that would save his baby’s life. All the while arrangements are being made for a funeral, her mom didn’t survive the accident, her older sister thankfully has survived with minor scars. Two weeks pass and she can finally go home, but her life has been changed forever and she has no idea.

Can you picture yourself in that scenario? It’s a tragedy for sure, a tragedy I survived thankfully. Oh yea, I was the 5 month old in that scenario. Luckily my dad did sign the forms and I was able to have a shunt placed in my head for a condition called hydrocephalus. My older sister broke her nose, but I thank god every day she survived along with me. Unfortunately my mom wasn’t so lucky, and I still struggle daily with the emptiness that has left.

I was very cared for and loved by my ginormous family (my entire family is from the Dominican Republic) and my dad was mom and dad. I can write for hours about my childhood, but for now I’ll keep things brief. I was super sheltered growing up and my older sister shared the role of mom with my grandma.

My current thoughts

As mothers day gets closer I try and focus on all the positives, but I can’t seem to keep the growing sadness and loneliness at bay. Some years are better than others, and my husband tries as best he can to keep my mind distracted, but it doesn’t always work so well. Even though I’ve had so many “mother figures” growing up it doesn’t replace or fill that void I feel without my mom. Will there ever be a time I don’t feel it? I’m not sure.

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Whirlwind

Today has been filled with such amazing things!! I could feel it from the moment I woke up until right this moment.

Days like these remind me anxiety doesn’t always have to rule your life. I choose how I want to react and how I shape my day. It’s hard to always see that days like today should be the norm and not the exception, but I’m learning day by day.

I’m going to fall asleep exactly how I woke up…GRATEFUL.