Yesterday’s thoughts & Todays continuation

I’m just tired. So tired of fighting my own brain. Sometimes this depression is beyond words but I have to keep working. Sometimes I can’t think straight but I have to force myself to focus. It’s just unexplainable loneliness and feeling just inept.

Everyone says I’m strong and I can push through this, they’re wrong. I’m weak. I’m fragile. I’m brittle. I wish I could be tough, tough enough to fight this.

Waking up this morning after a good nights rest I still feel it. The sense of being alone even when surrounded by people I love, the feeling of failure, the feeling of worthlessness, that I am not enough for those around me. Nothing clears these thoughts from my brain. They distract and temporarily mask them, but they’re always there.


Longish Post

Where to start. I have been in a state of denial since 12/24/2020. I went in for my gynecological results since I was concerned about hair thinning, possible due to uncontrolled PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and wasn’t prepared for it at all.

Now let me start by saying maybe to others what I am going to express in this post may not be a big deal, but this is how I FEEL. This is solely MY EXPERIENCE and how it is affecting ME SPECIFICALLY. (SORRY FOR THE SHOUTY CAPITALS).

I was told that my cystic growth was doing really well with my current birth control, still zero cysts thankfully and my tiny fibroid was still tiny. However, my PCOS is officially metabolic in nature. This means whether I want it to or not, it is affecting my blood levels. All the research I did told me this could be a possibility but last year we were hopeful it would not be the case.

Well life has different plans for me I guess. My insulin levels are way high (per-diabetic high), my cholesterol is high, my adrenal glands are not producing enough, and yada yada yada. I confirmed with my doctor that these issues are in fact stemming from the PCOS and not because of anything I am doing incorrectly.

I am now off on another journey in trying to control this all before I am diabetic and my cholesterol causes any heart concerns. Hopefully with the help of an endocrinologist everything can get under control and I can continue trying to stabilize.

Oh but that’s not all! The hardest part of it all is the kids. I was told that if I ever wanted to have children it will not be an easy road. PCOS makes it difficult and my gynecologist confirmed I would need hormonal assistance to conceive. Not just that, but if I did conceive the pregnancy would most likely be high risk depending on blood levels at that time. Now my husband and I decided we do not want to have children way before this but hearing this from my doctor made me take a step back. It’s a weird feeling knowing that if I ever changed my mind (not likely) I wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally or have a difficult pregnancy.

Needless to say it was a lot to take in and I haven’t really processed it all until this week. It all kind of started weighing a bit on my mind and mentally I am pretty shot. There will be a hefty amount of change this year in my lifestyle and self care routine that’s for sure. My mental health is still teetering a bit and I’m really trying to not succumb to my depression.

I wish I could say 2020 is behind me and onward to better things, but I can’t guarantee 2021 will be better. I will try and make it better though, overall I can’t afford NOT to try.


Post Christmas Blues

I loved Christmas. It went so well and the love and family time (though limited) was a great refresher.

I didn’t want to come back to work today. I wanted to stay home with my pups and just laze around, but alas here I am at work.

Having time off is nice and I appreciate being given that option, but it makes it so hard to come back and get into the swing of things.

Feeling a little blue and a lot sleepy, but hopefully this day will pass quickly.


Christmas Week

This week is a short one for me thankfully. Tomorrow is my Thursday and Tuesday my Friday, which makes me very very happy.

It’s a hard time for me due to my moms passing on the 23rd which always gets me. I can already feel it coming on and I can’t stop it, but hopefully it’s better than it normally is.

My cousins came to visit me today at my house which was a lot of fun and brought my spirits up. One of them lost her mom earlier this year and being as I am the only other person who has lost their mother it was nice to chat with her and let her know I am always here for her.

It was nice in a way to have somebody understand after all these years the hurt my sister and I have dealt with. Not that I would ever in a million years wish that on anyone. In this time of healing for her I just want her to know I am there and empathize completely.

So, here is to a hopefully decent week and the start of a great Christmas.


More News

I’m off to see an endocrinologist! Long story short still having wonky blood tests so that’s my next step.

In other news I still have a solid B in my current class which is awesome! This business class has been the most challenging one yet, so I’m pleased with myself.

Christmas is around the corner and that makes me really happy. After the crap that’s been 2020 I NEED a good Christmas that is stress free and just relaxing.

Oh and the biggest thing for me anyways, I GET MY HAIR COLORED TODAY! First time going to a salon setting with not my aunt doing it so I’m super excited!!

Hope everyone’s Saturday is going well!!