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Thoughts

Yesterday’s thoughts & Todays continuation

I’m just tired. So tired of fighting my own brain. Sometimes this depression is beyond words but I have to keep working. Sometimes I can’t think straight but I have to force myself to focus. It’s just unexplainable loneliness and feeling just inept.

Everyone says I’m strong and I can push through this, they’re wrong. I’m weak. I’m fragile. I’m brittle. I wish I could be tough, tough enough to fight this.

Waking up this morning after a good nights rest I still feel it. The sense of being alone even when surrounded by people I love, the feeling of failure, the feeling of worthlessness, that I am not enough for those around me. Nothing clears these thoughts from my brain. They distract and temporarily mask them, but they’re always there.

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Thoughts

End of day

So I’ve been home for about 2 hours now and have only accomplished watching tik tok and YouTube videos. my next class for school starts tomorrow and I wanted to relax tonight, but I’m feeling restless.

It’s hard to put into words exactly. Almost like I want to scratch off my skin while cleaning the house while doing nothing. It’s odd to say the least.

Reading seemed like a good idea about my mind is t able to focus on words on a page right now, so I’m stuck.

Can anyone relate or explain what’s going on? Maybe my anxiety is ramping up?

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Thoughts

My 4th sucked. I was woefully ill prepared for the amount of firesworks our neighbors were going to be displaying, needless to say massive panic attack ensued.

Luckily I had Xanax on hand and was able to take one and stop it from worsening, however it was horrible. I ended up fast asleep 20 minutes after and awoke perfectly a ok.

Loud noises for me are a instant panic attack trigger and I’m unsure why I wasn’t better prepared knowing the 4th is a big deal. I guess because none of the big displays were happening I assumed it would be a quiet night.

Welp here’s to now knowing my street, and those around me, are VERY much firework lovers and expecting that going forward for New Years and such.

I do hope everyone else’s holiday weekend was much better than mine

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Thoughts

Let me be candid

My blogging has been a very unique and eye opening experience. I started blogging to help me with my generalized anxiety and severed depression (clinically diagnosed but not treated at that time).

It was a great way to channel my feelings and thoughts with zero judgement from family and friends and 100% a safe space. It is still very much both of those things thankfully.

Here comes the candid part. I felt since I started treating my depression with medication and I have been doing well on the medication I no longer really needed to talk and express anything. I’m not sure if others feel this way after starting treatment or if this was unique to me.

Boy was I wrong. Not that my depression worsened again, or the meds stopped working, or anything like that. I just found without blogging my obsessive thoughts were just sitting there. Though I no longer felt the negative from those thoughts I still had them in a way. They were still keeping me up and I was still finding myself unable to stop from overthinking.

Needless to say I’ve come to realize that yes medication is helpful, but it is not everything. Mental health is so much more than just take a pill and move on. Just like yin and yang there is a balance, the medication gets me to a point where I can function and not have panic attacks but I still need the therapeutic release of my inner thoughts.

I’m glad I am back to writing. I’m glad I figured this out. I’m oh so glad to have this platform.

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Morning Meditation
Happy Wednesday!