Yesterday’s thoughts & Todays continuation

I’m just tired. So tired of fighting my own brain. Sometimes this depression is beyond words but I have to keep working. Sometimes I can’t think straight but I have to force myself to focus. It’s just unexplainable loneliness and feeling just inept.

Everyone says I’m strong and I can push through this, they’re wrong. I’m weak. I’m fragile. I’m brittle. I wish I could be tough, tough enough to fight this.

Waking up this morning after a good nights rest I still feel it. The sense of being alone even when surrounded by people I love, the feeling of failure, the feeling of worthlessness, that I am not enough for those around me. Nothing clears these thoughts from my brain. They distract and temporarily mask them, but they’re always there.


I’m back, and I’ve changed

Hi again. It’s been a bit of time since I’ve posted, and honestly I debated deleting this blog and just quitting. I never inteded this to be any more than an outlet for my thoughts and frustrations, a place to come and write out what I’m thinking with zero judgement. Somehow my mind started overanalyzing like it does and I turned it into somewhat of a “chore/assignment”. I can’t explain it, as I don’t really understand it fully myself.

Moving on. I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment. I started school to be an accountant, YAY, and I’m still employed full time. My youngest pup Lucy is still a handful and not fully potty trained, which is greeeaattttt. A lot of house projects have been getting done and will hopefully come to an end early next week!

Lets discuss the biggest issue now. My depression and anxiety. I would say after being on medication since early this year I have noticed an improvement. My panic attacks are not as frequent and I find myself less ruminating less throughout the day. However, my bad days still out number my good days, my moods are still fluctuating, and I feel like I have plateaued. Is that possible? To plateau when it comes to depression? I debate increasing medication and just trying to dig down deep and exercise. I don’t want to do the things that I enjoy doing, let alone exercise and “eat right”. That being said, I need to make a change, FOR GOOD.

I’m taking my safe space back and letting this be my outlet again. Baby steps, I need to walk before I can run. This is day one of my reset, day one of the new blog space, and day one of many many more!


Let me be candid

My blogging has been a very unique and eye opening experience. I started blogging to help me with my generalized anxiety and severed depression (clinically diagnosed but not treated at that time).

It was a great way to channel my feelings and thoughts with zero judgement from family and friends and 100% a safe space. It is still very much both of those things thankfully.

Here comes the candid part. I felt since I started treating my depression with medication and I have been doing well on the medication I no longer really needed to talk and express anything. I’m not sure if others feel this way after starting treatment or if this was unique to me.

Boy was I wrong. Not that my depression worsened again, or the meds stopped working, or anything like that. I just found without blogging my obsessive thoughts were just sitting there. Though I no longer felt the negative from those thoughts I still had them in a way. They were still keeping me up and I was still finding myself unable to stop from overthinking.

Needless to say I’ve come to realize that yes medication is helpful, but it is not everything. Mental health is so much more than just take a pill and move on. Just like yin and yang there is a balance, the medication gets me to a point where I can function and not have panic attacks but I still need the therapeutic release of my inner thoughts.

I’m glad I am back to writing. I’m glad I figured this out. I’m oh so glad to have this platform.


Moms are vital in every girls life. I didn’t have the privilege of growing up with that figure in my life. Tragically she was taken from me at 5 months old.

I know I say taken as if I’m still angry. Well I am. Angry, hurt, sad, and a whole mess of other emotions that come with never knowing the beautiful soul I hear stories of all the time.

Today is a shitty day. Mother’s Day I celebrate with my dad and sister, my grandma and aunts, but I will never be able to celebrate with my mother.

Some years are better than others, this year at this time, seeing all the pictures of my family and their moms I’m just not in a good head space. I feel alone and for all intents and purposes motherless.

Morning Meditation
Happy Wednesday!