Categories
Thoughts

Minds racing

Got a great workout in this morning and have been go go go all day long. Lots accomplished and as of a few hours ago it’s just been resting and hanging with the pups and hubby.

Moments like these is when my brain starts to kick in to overdrive. My tummy’s in knots and I don’t know why. It’s almost like I’m nervous but there is nothing to be nervous about at all.

My mind is alert and hyper vigilant without cause and I am actively trying to calm it down. So many thoughts and worries all at once is overwhelming.

Focusing on tv is getting hard and mindless videos on YouTube aren’t cutting it. Hopefully it dies down in a bit…until then I’ll just whether the internal storm.

Categories
Thoughts

PANIC

How is it possible to sit in a room full of family and feel so alone? I feel like I’ve always been the oddball in my family, I’m unsure if that is because I make myself one or because it just is. Even in a room full of chatter I can’t seem to follow along, or the conversation is around me but not including me.

Is this anxiety? I don’t even know anymore. The day started great, with so much promise. I was fine and looking forward to celebrating with family. I left work and as the minutes went by I started to lose the excitement I was feeling and it was replaced by..well I don’t know what word to use but it wasn’t excitement. Even arriving to the restaraunt and seeing my dad I was happy to see him but not all there. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for my dad being there tonight I would have felt even more alone then I did.

The kicker is what my cousin said as I was saying bye to her. She told me that if I’m leaving early (mind you it was 8 and this started at 6) I must not be a Baez, or even a De La Rosa. To give some context those are my maiden names. For anyone else this comment can be shrugged off, I instead am sitting here typing trying halt the panic attack I feel brewing. For someone struggling with who she is daily and never wanting to disappoint I just can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong.

Am I such an oddball? If I am not a Baez or a De La Rosa then who am I?