Sometimes the end goal is worth all the frustration leading up to it.
Sometimes the frustration seems overwhelming and you can’t see the end at all.
Those are the times you need to take a step back and refocus.
Now is on of those times.
My minds a mess, the day has been shit, and I’m once again exhausted. Agitation and aggravation are the main 2 things clouding my mind.
Things are out of my control and as I retreat further and further into myself the clutter of sound eases. I just want to be alone. To sleep away the jumbled thoughts and recharge.
A new day awaits me tomorrow, what it’ll bring I’m unsure. My hope is that I wake rested and ready to take on another day.
So I have this one person in my life, she is like an aunt though technically she is my cousin. For some reason when she speaks she has the ability to trigger so much anxiety and panic, even though she has good intentions.
Tonight I got to experience a taste of that, it did NOT feel good. She was particularly bothered I was not at our mother’s day get together, and felt that if I truly understood where she was coming from I would have showed up no matter how I was feeling. I remind you all I DO NOT HAVE A MOTHER, SHE PASSED WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
I made a point of visiting my grandma, my mother’s grave, and my father, which I told her. Lets just say how she reacted left a bad taste in my mouth, yet again.
I pose these questions in hopes someone can help me understand. Why should I have to set aside my feelings of sadness and loneliness on mother’s day to make others happy? How can I be around family, if my family is only going to make me feel like shit for trying to take care of myself?
I hope everyone’s weekend was restful, I appreciate any thoughts and suggestions for future family get togethers.
Why is it so hard for me to not please others? Is it so hard to say no every now and then? Sometimes the expectations I have of myself far exceed those others have for me, and though I know this about myself I haven’t been able to change it.
At first helping others and always being the willing volunteer didn’t seem like such a bad thing, but now it’s tiring. I feel like by the time I finish putting others first I’m left too mentally exhausted to do things for myself.
The funny thing is, as I’m typing this right now I’m smiling. Not because I find the situation remotely funny, but because I feel like I’m being totally selfish in feeling this way. I know tomorrow I’ll wake up, start another day, and do nothing different. My mind won’t let me be anything less than what I expect it to be, even if I wish it would.
I sign off with this: Life is not always about others, sometimes its about you taking the pressure off of yourself and saying NO.