I find myself mentally going over all the bills, the tasks, the work, the weight loss, the everything over and over again in my head. I feel like there is so much to do for me to get my life on track, but it exhausts me just thinking about it.

Why is it so difficult to stick to something? Why is it so hard to move forward when I want to so badly? Why do I sabotage myself? I know I know, a lot of questions that many might claim to have the answer to. At the end of the day it all boils down to ME.

I have always had an issue with self love, self care, and laziness. It is not an easy thing to just wake up and be different. My mental strength isn’t all that strong and my will power is low.

Needless to say it makes starting AND FINISHING something difficult for me. It always comes back to the same thing, change my habits. I wish I could just do that. I wish I could just flip a switch and make things better. I wish I could be my own cheerleader and accomplish what I want with my own motivation.


Let me be candid

My blogging has been a very unique and eye opening experience. I started blogging to help me with my generalized anxiety and severed depression (clinically diagnosed but not treated at that time).

It was a great way to channel my feelings and thoughts with zero judgement from family and friends and 100% a safe space. It is still very much both of those things thankfully.

Here comes the candid part. I felt since I started treating my depression with medication and I have been doing well on the medication I no longer really needed to talk and express anything. I’m not sure if others feel this way after starting treatment or if this was unique to me.

Boy was I wrong. Not that my depression worsened again, or the meds stopped working, or anything like that. I just found without blogging my obsessive thoughts were just sitting there. Though I no longer felt the negative from those thoughts I still had them in a way. They were still keeping me up and I was still finding myself unable to stop from overthinking.

Needless to say I’ve come to realize that yes medication is helpful, but it is not everything. Mental health is so much more than just take a pill and move on. Just like yin and yang there is a balance, the medication gets me to a point where I can function and not have panic attacks but I still need the therapeutic release of my inner thoughts.

I’m glad I am back to writing. I’m glad I figured this out. I’m oh so glad to have this platform.


I fell off the wagon

Not a whole lot of weight gain was had thankfully, but with my diagnosis every pound is no bueno.

As of yesterday I restarted eating the correct foods and am staying away from the “bad stuff”.

I’ve noticed that my brain and way of thinking is definitely black and white, either I’m all in or all out. That’s why i fell off the wagon. I started slowing myself to have chest snacks or a day where I can have soda and it spiraled.

Here’s to getting back on track!!


Post Thanksgiving Update

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I can say it was half successful and half unsuccessful. I took on the cooking responsibilities because I have some minor (trying to be nice, more like major) control issues. I set myself up for no panic attacks though with the meal I prepped.

The morning of was a bit trying with my youngest pup accidentally knocking over our lamppost in our backyard, hubby was NOT happy in the least and that set off the beginnings of anxiety and nervousness. Cue father-in-law who showed up and was most helpful with prepping the turkey and approving my yummy cornbread, so that made things better. Then people started showing up, now not a lot of people mind you, just 4 guests in total.

At first I was fine and as I kept cooking and chatting I realized I was shaking. I’m unsure if anyone picked up on it, hopefully not. Food was done and turned out delicious!! I was so happy and proud of the meal I put out, and then I started to crash.

Not in a panic, that I had been expecting, but more in an exhaustion that I have never felt before. I can’t even begin to describe the immense fatigue that was pulling at me from all ends. My eyes wouldn’t open, my mind was shutting down, and my body was starting to go limp. Needless to say my plans to see my family later on were now cancelled.

The rest of the night passed in extreme headaches radiating from my neck. I am so lucky I have such wonderful men in my life, my husband and father-in-law took turns heating towels to help ease those muscles.

I am now reflecting back on yesterday and I feel so thankful and blessed that I was able to have a successful first thanksgiving in our new home. I’m also proud of myself, I listened for once to my mind and body and cancelled on my family. Normally I would’ve sucked it up and gone anyways which most definitely would have ended in disaster. So I applaud myself for taking care of me.

So I guess all in all everything turned out well. Though I promise to give myself a reprieve and maybe be a guest and not a host next Thanksgiving.